Decision

Yesterday was one of those days. Trying to clean. Turn my back and the kids are throwing the rice they should have been eating, all over the floor I recently swept and table I recently cleaned (both for the third time that day). Running into the living room I just vacummed and the sticky rice that was all over them is now all over the carpet and couch. Arguing, crying, whining "she hit me" "no that's mine" "waaaahhhh" "Mommmmmmy!"

I felt like I was going to lose my mind. And I felt bad, because so many people have much harder situations to deal with daily. How dare I feel like "I can't handle this". And I thought "How can I possibly have another child?", so I decided to tell David that we probably shouldn't have any more kids... we were planning on trying for another one fairly soon. And if you know me, this thought of 'no more' would surprise you. Because I love being a mom and I love my kids. However, I am tired of the mess and the constant cleaning but it's never really clean. The thought of no more was pretty appealing. Then again, it wasn't. I don't want just two kids, it doesn't feel like our family is complete yet.

When David came home I told him. I said "David, I'm not sure we should have any more kids". His face was both one of shock and sadness. He recovered, bent down and kissed my forehead (he knew I had a hard day). He said "Let's just wait a year or two". OH YEAH, why hadn't that crossed my mind? Of course, we could just wait a year or two. Duh.

I told my mother in law this decision later. She pointed out that it would probably be better for Violet to wait. If I have another now, Violet will lose more of my attention...really making her the middle child. I am looking into schools for Liam and while he goes to school I was planning on spending lots of one on one with Violet. If I were pregnant, I'd probably be too exhausted to see this through properly. Than when the baby is born, I'd spend lots of it with the baby. As it is now, when I try to teach Violet her alphabet or shapes or numbers, Liam is right there saying "I KNOW I KNOW" and shouting out the answer before she gets to.

I feel so peaceful with the decision to wait a year or two.