Response to my Friend's Blog Post

My friend posted a question on her blog... Life as I Live it.

I am responding here because my response was so long it wouldn't post in her comments :)

Dear Mo, when I met you I was pregnant with Violet and David and I were looking to buy our first home. Both of us were very stressed out. To top it off David was working out of State and flying home on weekends. We rarely fight, but those days "we" were arguing a lot... and I admit, I was the one starting the fights and lots of them had to do with wanting to talk (his ear off) when he got home and seeing the glazed over eyes and "uh-huh" responses upset me. I realized too that sometimes I start these "fights" just to get some other reaction from him. I wanted to spend time with him, and him to spend time with me and Liam... and not because I told him to. But because he WANTS to. Well I asked him to come see a marriage counselor with me, by way of the bishop. He agreed. The bishop saw us for 4 sessions. And he explained to me, what you already know, that men need to unwind when they get home. He also said men need to say about 15,000 words a day, while women need to say about 30,000... but I've seen "studies" that say we say close to the same amount of words a day... the point is, the men get all their words out while at work. Stay at home moms mostly talk to the kids all day, lots of repeating ourselves.

The bishop said that I need to leave him alone for an hour or so when he gets home, but then David needs to recognize and appreciate that I gave him that hour and now I need to talk to him, so he needs to give me that focus. It worked for us starting out that way but now our routine has evolved a bit to fit our personalities. I think that David would rather talk/play for an hour or so before he unwinds, rather than unwinding only to have to be motivated to get up and interact with us. So now David comes home and gives us all attention right away. He kisses the kids if they are asleep, or plays with them before they go to bed. Then he comes into the kitchen or living room (where ever I might be) and we talk briefly about our days... maybe 30 minutes to an hour or so, we'll eat together if he's home in time for dinner. What I love is that he is actually listening to me and responding and helping me figure things out if there is a situation with the way one of our kids is behaving. And he is actually telling me about what happened at work that day. Then I leave David alone to play video games with his friends. He usually plays and also he reads articles from CNN and whatever technology sites he likes to read until we go to bed. But a few times a week he might read a few articles, then we spend the night together, talking and maybe watching a movie together. On the days he plays, after our half hour - hour of talking, I actually like the down time myself. I go to my "room of requirement" and do projects... work on my lesson and handouts for church, or sew, or make Christmas ornaments, or paint/draw, sometimes I walk on my treadmill, any of the above while watching the food network or hgtv... well I don't watch while working on my lesson, it would be too hard to focus.

Others might find this arrangement "sad"? But we are both so happy with it. And any day I really need to talk to him all night, I just have to let him know. I'm happy he makes time for the kids, and for me before playing without needing to be told. He even helps out. He'll run a bath for the kids if they need one before bed. He'll read them a story if I'm not up to it. He'll tuck them in. I am also happy he makes time a few days a week for just me and him. Things that changed is I realized that I don't necessarily need to tell him about every little detail, that I really like to be introspective and ponder about my day by myself... how I did with the kids, what I need to do better, what I have been working on (my short temper)... did I do well today, why or why not. I think about my lesson for the week. I think about projects and ideas and I write it down in the form of lists. My point is, I have found I need this time too. David and I are both introverts and get our energy from some alone time. Another change is we make enough time for each other without eyes glazing over, even if it's brief I feel he really listens and hears me. We can also appreciate that our way doesn't have to be the way everyone else does it... it doesn't make our marriage weaker doing things this way, for us and our personalities it has made it stronger.

The End. ;P